The Husband of Lily Potter
by Pseudoavatar
Summary: Drunken James and Sirius approach Lily with an interesting proposition. Pure fun, no particular plot. One-shot.


Note: this story really has no point at all, it's just a fun idea that popped into my head and I had to scribble it down straight away. Enjoy, please drop a review if you enjoyed it :)

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"We have decided!" James announced, as he stepped into the nursery, a thriumphant look on his face. He was followed by Sirius who looked equally excited.

Lily lifted her eyes from the book she'd been reading. Remus looked up too; he'd been by Harry's crib, amusing the baby by allowing him to grab his finger as the baby was babbling happily. As it was just after full moon, he looked rather weary and had refused the liquor offered by James with a rather nauseous look on his face. As a result, James and Sirius had downed the entire bottle of Firewhiskey between the two of them, and were now quite drunk, having celebrated Sirius's birthday rather raucously downstairs. How ever did the two of them manage to make so much noise was beyond Lily's understanding. After an hour or so, Remus had gotten enough of the company of his friends and had come upstairs to see Lily and Harry instead, rubbing his temples and muttering under his breath something about loud noises.

"What have you decided?" Lily asked her gloating husband.

"We have decided what happens if I should die", James proclaimed proudly. "We have made a vow just now, me and Sirius, that if anything should happen to me, you will marry Sirius instead."

"Excuse me?!" Lily asked, without knowing if she should be amused or offended.

"It'd be perfect, wouldn't it? No – listen, Lily, love – it'd be like soldiers do, you know, when the survivor marries his fallen comrade's wife."

"Right", Lily said. "And you want this... why, exactly?"

"Nawww, Lily, don't tell me you don't want a piece of this?" Sirius asked, wiggling his eyebrows in a rather suggestive manner. "It'll all be yours, as soon as this old crone drops dead."

Lily made a face.

"I see I was not invited to participate in this particular brotherly pact", Remus said peacefully.

"Don't take it personally, Mooney. It's just that I am really quite rich", Sirius said unashamedly. "And quite easy on the eyes, too, or so I've been told. Prongs here is just thinking of what's best for his lovely wife."

"Oh, great. Don't I feel lucky to have such a husband who, despite not giving a toss about the decorations or theme of our _own_ wedding, has kindly taken it upon himself to arrange my second marriage up until the name, bank account status and girth of the groom", Lily said sarcastically, glaring at her husband.

James waved his hand. "You'll thank me later, darling. I've heard from reliable sources that Sirius's skills in the bedroom are excellent."

"James!" Lily exclaimed, blushing.

"... And besides, he adores Harry, so there you go", James continued as though the matter was settled with that.

"I am not marrying Sirius!" Lily said. "And I certainly hope you're joking!"

James looked at her with what appeared to be genuine surprise.

"Why wouldn't you want to marry Sirius? Hell, I would, if I were a woman!"

Lily turned towards Remus in exasperation, as though looking for some support from him. Remus just shrugged and quickly turned towards Harry, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Lily certainly had taken on a handful when she had married James.

"Well, James Potter, perhaps you should marry him then, rather than try and marry me off to him!"

"Now, don't be silly, love. I'm already married to you", James said.

"Well, I'm so sorry to stand in the way of your bromance! Please do enlighten me, is this a recent thing, or did you and Sirius practice french kissing already at school, just as friends?"

"No, of course n- wait – is that what you did with your friends?"

"No", Lily said. "Well, not with all of them, anyway."

"Wait- what?! Who did you practice with?"

"Why don't you want to marry me?" Sirius pouted. "I swear, as my wife, you would not lack a thing in your life. And Harry would be the most spoiled little boy in all the country."

"Who did you practice kissing with?!"

Lily covered her ears with her hands. "Shh! How can you two be so loud?"

"What do you want, a kneeling proposal?" Sirius asked grumpily. "Well, in the event of James's death, you'll be sure to receive it."

Lily closed her eyes and took a long breath.

"Fine. Whatever. I'll marry you, and James can look down from his golden cloud at how his best friend is marrying his widow. Suit yourselves. But I am _not_ sleeping in the same bed as you."

James and Sirius high-fived, looking rather happy with themselves.

"Glad we got that settled", James said. "I'll much prefer you marry Sirius, than some unknown git."

"Best decision you've ever made", Sirius exclaimed, while James cleared his throat, perhaps reminding him that as of now, he was still married to Lily.

"Right, well, now that you've gotten that off your chest... how about you return to the kitchen and leave us civilised adults alone?" Lily suggested.

James and Sirius left, and soon they heard a noisy chorus of "Baba, the old crouchy witch" echoing throughout the house.

"I don't know how you manage to live with that man", Remus said, only half joking. Lily rolled her eyes.

"He'll come to his senses, eventually."

The next morning, Lily woke up to a pained moan, the source of which was a messy-haired man lying next to her, still in his robes, his eyes puffy.

"Well, good morning, sunshine", she said rather sharply, as she peered at the ashy face of her husband.

"Ugh", James moaned. "I feel like a thousand Bludgers have been drumming my head all throughout the night."

"Well, serves you right", Lily said mercilessly. But then, feeling a little remorseful, got up and brought her husband a tall glass of water. James sipped it gratefully, then frowned and went a little pale.

"Lily... please don't marry Sirius if I die."

"Oh, well, isn't that a change in tone. I thought you were practically about to raise from the dead and marry me off to him yourself if I refused."

"Yeah... just don't, okay? It's going to be awkward enough as it is, to watch you from up there, doing it with some other guy. So... yeah... please don't marry Sirius. I'll rather you snag some git, whom I can then hate in peace from up there."

Lily leaned to give him a kiss. "Then don't go dying on me", she said gently. "If you do, I might be forced to marry Sirius. I think you made an Unbreakable Vow last night."

James blanched.

"You're joking, right?" he breathed, his eyes huge.

"Hmph."

"Please tell me you're joking! Right? ...Lily?!"


End file.
